Everything I Touch Turns Brown

My body has an odd characteristic.  Everything I touch seems to turn brown:

* Any white bath towel I use turns brown after a few weeks of use.  Only a hard-core wash in steaming hot water and kitchen bleach will get the brown out.  I call this a "treatment."
* The armpits of my white underwear shirts turn brown despite regular washings.  I include these with the "treatment."
* Throw the browning white socks in too.
* I've given up on white underwear.  Even my gray underwear has brown streaks because I have a serious turtle head problem.  I've dubbed these "snapping turtles."
* My white bedsheets and pillowcases are now beige.  Should have never bought white.  That was a huge mistake.
* I won't even talk about the toilet.  Thank God the one that came with the house was beige to begin with.  I'm considering napalm as an appropriate toilet cleaner.  Hard to find, though.
* I tried to start a balcony garden, but that soon turned brown as well.
* The floor of my shower has begun to turn brown.  Scrubbing it with bath cleaner fails to make a dent in the brown-idge.  Again, thank God for beige tile.  At least my browning phenomenon matches the look of the house.
* My drinking glasses are crusted with brown because I drink way too much tea.  I highly recommend oolong and jasmine.

I've come to accept this about myself.  Instead of fighting it, I now embrace it.  Clothing purchases are made all the easier.  Brown is definitely my color--white, no freakin' way.  In fact, all purchases have become easier.  I simply choose the product that has a brown color offering.  The popular Japanese store Muji is my best friend because everything there is brown.  I highly recommend this store if you share in my affliction.

I've made good progress: My sofa, chairs, carpet, socks, bath towels, sheets, guitars, condoms, pajamas, laptop, pans, toilet paper, and balcony are my new favorite color.  The only outstanding item is a brown toothbrush, but my current one is well on its way already.  Down with white!